Very Public Display of the Decimation of my Heart for the Purposes of Comedy and Purging

St Pancras Station, London

If you are a regular reader, say, once a week or so, you will have noticed, that over the summer, I have made numerous mention of one certain man. Well, the man in question finally made a reappearance this past week. For months it has been, ‘my life is unfortunately not endowed with the free time to start the relationship of the century’, and other such hogswallow. It has been in my mind all along that if we saw each other it would be like one of those films where the missing magical stones were slotted into place next to each other, and beams of light would start shooting out everywhere as avalanches rumbled caves to the ground. Only more lovely.

So it was arranged that I would meet him at St Pancras train station as he arrived back from Paris. ‘Does he think that is not romantic?’, asked Jesse. I was waiting for him at the world’s longest champagne bar, drinking a glass of Louis Roederer Demi-sec and reading Samuel Beckett. I pretended not to notice as he approached, my heart pounding in my chest and butterflies in my stomach. I stood up and we embraced. His warmth melted me like a hot knife through butter. We sat face to face and had a drink together before heading to dinner. Even here the compliments were coming hard and fast. ‘You look so beautiful.’ ‘I had forgotten how funny you are.’ ‘Such a perfect choice of dress.’ ‘Your perfume is so distinctive and evocative of you.’ ‘I read your blog once a week.’ ‘I had forgotten quite how amazing you are.’ These comments and many others swirled around us throughout the evening.

me and my dress

A bold and brave man

the hand of fate

We walked over and sat down in the old booking office in the station which has been converted into a restaurant. Our corner table ended up being in glaring light and under a speaker loudly playing house music. We asked to move somewhere quieter and were told we could sit in the beautiful lobby. It was here we sat and ate rare steak and oysters and flirted for the next few hours. I began to wonder what his intentions were. Did he come meet me to help me find the closure I had never gotten during our previous interactions, but then got confused when he saw me? He began to tell me that he was not really seeing anyone. Well, no one special anyway… He is ‘experimenting with polymory as a solution to life’s romantic woes’. There are two girls, one in Italy and one in London. ‘Do they know about each other’, I asked. ‘They are the type of girls who would have sex with each other’, he replied. Wow. So I guess the whole line he has been feeding me for months about being too busy traveling to get involved with anyone is a load of rubbish. He is actually seeing someone in the very city where I live. I can feel my face flushing hot as I think he is trading in the possibility of true love for some very pale imitation. So much for his assertion that he ‘is only interested in the truest of lives and loves’. I began to fall deeply for the man who made such an honorable claim. But as for the man who sat across from me and described these insignificant affairs… hmmm. This could not be the same man. He asked me where I stood and what I had to say. In spite of the dribble I had just heard fall from his mouth, I decided to keep an open mind. I leant towards him across the table and looked into his eyes and said, ‘we have talked about it all far too much. There is only one solution that I can see. Lets get naked and spend the night together.’ He smiled and the next thing I knew I was sitting on his lap. We began to kiss with the sort of urgency normally reserved for breathing. He told me that he was used to being in control of every aspect of his life but that I made him feel like he was losing control. I suggested we get a room in the hotel and go upstairs. He then said he had to work in Cambridge at 9am. I reminded him that we may not have forever, but that we do have the present moment, right here and now, and isn’t spending a beautiful night with a woman you think is amazing part of what makes life worth living? He agreed wholeheartedly. And then he started whispering in my ear all the things he would like to do to me. We continued to kiss; my skin felt like it was on fire and I felt hot from head to toe. I think he is finally going to step up to the plate, take the initiative and act like the bold and brave man that I perceive him to be. I suddenly notice an expression of panic wash over his face. He says, ‘I’m going to run for the train’. I jump up, stunned, and slump back into my own chair. Under his breath I hear him mutter ‘I’ll call you’ as he runs away. He literally strides to the door without a goodbye, a get home safely, a thanks for a lovely evening, without even so much as a glance back in my direction, where I sat, dumbstruck. And damn it, caught up in the flirting, I never got to say my piece, ask the questions I had always wondered, or find any sort of relief or completion for the incendiary wealth of energy he bewilderingly arouses in me.

Like a light going on above my head

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*The only thing I have heard since from this man who I once believed could be the next big true love of my life, but who now I cannot help but think down upon as a dishonorable, cowardly idiot (apparently a Ph.D. from Cambridge University cannot buy you intelligence, integrity, intuition or grace) was a text message saying this: ‘I’m sorry to have left so abruptly. Please forgive me. I made the train. X’ Does he suffer from mental illness, performance anxiety, or just a run-of-the-mill, garden-variety fear of intimacy with a good woman? Is he scared that I would change his life? Rightly so, because I would, his life would never be the same again. As if I care. I am no longer impressed and I am done here. He seemingly could not look me in the eyes and say it and so I am saying it now. Mmm, bye!

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About Gracie Johnson

wordsmith, songstress
Gallery | This entry was posted in written by A. Grace Johnson and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Very Public Display of the Decimation of my Heart for the Purposes of Comedy and Purging

  1. Jauretsi says:

    OH. MY. GOD… well, as they say in New York, “keep it moving, there’s nothing left to see here”…

  2. Jesse says:

    Outrageous chemistry is different to the meeting of souls 😉

  3. Gayle says:

    Thankfully your relationship went no further. Alas, I have spent a lifetime falling in love with the wrong men. Chemistry is not to be trusted. Am so glad you can move ahead now. You have lots of time. Be confident that you will find a real man deserving of your love.

  4. mafalda says:

    excellent material that twat gave you, keep gorgeous and strong.
    …what a twat !!!!

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